Picking Up The Pieces At Pocono ~ The Lady In Black
6/10/2014>
PattyKay Lilley
I bid you welcome gentle readers,
to another blast from the past with our guide and hostess, the lovely Lady in
Black. Like the one on Sunday, this race also was run at the Tricky Triangle
they call Pocono Raceway, though a full decade earlier on June 13, 2004. For
those not familiar with some of the Lady's pet names or those with short
memories, the actual race results, courtesy of racing-reference.info can be
seen by
clicking right about here.
Good day
race fans (excluding those idiots among you that throw things onto a
racetrack). This is your raving reporter, the Lady in Black, coming to you this
week not from the beautiful Pocono Mountains but from my tiny office at IRN. I
didn’t understand it all, but it seems there is something about lacking
credentials and NASCAR taking a dim view of the landlady saying unkind things
about some of the boys at the Beach. In any case, this week I was subjected to
the same method of viewing the race as most of you are every week. That of
course, would be watching FOX on the one eyed monster in my living room. Good
gravy, how do y’all stand it?
The
weather in Pocono on Sunday was forecast to be 72º and sunny, but when some
clouds rolled in, someone panicked. When FOX hit the airwaves, we were greeted
by Beavis and Butthead in the Roach Motel and the cars were already on the
track. While I really don’t care a fig about missing most of the pre-race
hoopla, I felt cheated out of the invocation and the National Anthem. Heck, we
didn’t even get to hear the engines start! This being Pocono, I was so hoping
to hear a repeat performance of the Anthem by Lt. Kevin Pierce of the Pennsylvania
State Police, whose dulcet tones and perfect pronunciation delighted me last
year. If I should find I missed hearing him, that other guy’s email campaign to
FOX will look like the work of an amateur.
After
several ad banks from FOX, the boogity flag (Only
three more times, I promise you) flew over pole sitter Hurrikahne and outside
pole sitter, Brian Snickers. If it were a poker game, one might have said that
rookies were wild. Wild as they may have been, the first lap was led by Captain
Nemo and his Army of One, and no sooner had he done
that than the caution waved for smoke billowing from the rear of the car driven
by the Good Shepherd. Morgan and Jesus retired to the lounge, but would return
later to complete seventy-one laps before finally giving up. Way to go Jesus!
A few of
the boys in the back room ducked into the bar to top off with Budweiser as the
Infield Inmates talked ad nauseum about the new rules announced by the
Godfather, Mike Helton on Saturday. You know; the rules that were going to take
all the confusion out of placement under caution. We’ll talk more about that
later. Since they’d only turned one circle, there was no one in position yet to
receive the One LAP UP (One Lucky Arse PUP) award.
They
went back to turning large circles at lap 6, with the Army of One leading Hurrikahne, Jeffy’s Mini-me and
Snickers. By lap 9, Kevin Glue was in the lounge, to be joined in two laps by
Toad Bodine. At lap 11, Mini-me took the lead from the Army, followed closely
by the car with the flames. At that point, it was four Hendrick engines leading
the parade with a fifth Chevy, the orange one of Stewpot in fifth. Lap 20 saw
the DeWalt Tool Wagon in the pits for a handling
problem and fall a lap down for his trouble. He was followed shortly by Captain
Nemo, though I’m not sure what his problem was.
Though
it seemed a bit early, green flag beer breaks began on lap 33 and lasted
through some eight laps as the combatants marched in and out of the bar. The
#72 of Kirk Fillerdine ran completely dry, and the
double-aught twelve gauge of Carl Long tested the wall and lost the battle.
Both of those lads retired to the lounge for the afternoon. Rickety Rudd had
been the last to pit, but was the first to return, as his pit bulls left a lug
nut loose.
At lap
50, Dave Blarney brought his one-time AOL mount to the bar for an unscheduled
beer at about the same time that the Zewo Hewo tried his unassisted triple-loop combination out on
the track. Wawd received a 9.25 for his performance
and injured nothing but his pride, while Blarney lost a lap when the yellow
flew. The whole gang came in for a Coors Light, and Mutt Kenseth managed to get
back in sync with the other kids. The One LAP UP went to Ken Shredder and
Blarney’s pit bulls busied themselves with changing a shock on the #30.
On the
restart at lap 55, it was the Silver Bullet in front, courtesy of a two-tire
change, followed by Mini-me, Snickers, Greg Baffled, Jeremy May Be Fast, Flyin’ Ryan, Flameboy, the Brown
Truck, Mark the Munchkin and Stewpot.
Mini-me soon got around the Silver Bullet and by the next lap, Snickers
got around Mini-me for the lead. That lasted just long enough to give a
teammate five free pretzels and it was Mini-me back in front. Once again, Dave
Blarney brought his email cart to the pits, and then headed for the garage. It
seems more than one shock needed attention.
Lap 60
saw Brendan Gone, literally, as his Jasper Engine erupted in a plume of smoke
and consigned him to the lounge for the day. This turned into one of those
confusing cautions (but you ain’t seen nuthin’ yet)
where some came in for beer, while others stayed on the track, and a handful of
those pitted late for fuel only. The One LAP UP went to the Zewo
Hewo, and they restarted on lap 67, with Mini-me
still in command and 29 warriors still on the lead lap.
On lap
72, Mini-me gave way to the Flames, to let the boss lead a few laps of his own.
Meanwhile, farther back on the track, there was slight contact between the left
front of the Army of One and the right rear of whatever Jeffy
Bootin’ was driving this week. That produced a lot of
smoke from the front of the Army car, but it magically cleared up within a
couple of laps. Ten laps later, we were treated to the athletic retrieval by a
NASCAR official of a beach ball that had found its way onto the track. Now, I’m
not one to point fingers, but the inscription on the ball read, “Net Zewo.”
By lap
85, some of the kids that had stayed out on the last caution had to begin
hitting the bar under the green flag. The most unlucky of those was the car
with the flames, when the pit bulls missed a lug nut and Jeffy got an
invitation to return for a second Budweiser. On lap 92, the NAPA Parts Cart
coughed its last drop of Sunoco, which slowed the car considerably. Flyin’ Ryan also ran a bit short, but it happened in the
pits, so a short shot of ether along with his beer got him going again.
Eventually, this stretched into another full round of green flag bar stops,
with the only visible casualty being the Army of One Chevy, which stuck in third
gear and stubbornly refused to move. Somewhere in that time frame, we bade
farewell to Cow Patty, but the boys in the booth missed it, so we did too.
By lap
106, all of that was behind us and the top of the pylon read 48, 2, 19, 16 and
5, with 25 cars still on the lead lap. It was on lap 113 that the Munchkin’s
engine ran out of Viagra and died in a plume of smoke. Would anyone care to
guess who was at the top of my fantasy-racing card? It seemed to be important
that the three stooges in the booth point out to us that Mark’s engine was one
of only two in the race that were the “old” Ford engines, the other being that
of the Busch League Kid. (He, by the way, would finish fifth with engine
intact)
During
the ensuing Miller Time, the Army of One received a penalty for having too many
men in the bar to push Captain Nemo off the stool.
(Remember, he only had third gear) Somehow, I don’t think that the end of the
longest line was too difficult to accept, since the Army of One had received
the One LAP UP award and would be there anyway. Ah, the joys of NASCAR logic.
At the
restart, it was Flyin’ Ryan leading Baffled, Mini-me,
Snickers, Texas Terry, May Be Fast and the Big Brown Truck. On the next lap,
the Bounty Hunter’s oil line gave way, spewing some four gallons or more of oil
on the track (Yes, that is gallons, not quarts ~ those things have a 22-quart
capacity). Behind him, Scotch ‘n Soda Wimmer spun in
the slick mess, taking the Silver Bullet with him, and caution flag #5 flew as
those lads headed for the lounge. On the first caution lap, Jeffy’s
Mini-me reported to his Chief Pit Bull that he had hit something on the track;
something that used to be alive, and the remainder of it was splattered on his
windshield. Welcome to Pocono Jimmie, the Official Wildlife Capital of NASCAR.
Over the years, we’ve watched successful efforts to remove deer, rabbits and
some sort of fowl (quail type) that one driver described as a turkey from the
track. I think you’re supposed to give them the right-of-way.
The One
LAP UP that time went to Still Employed Mikey. (No matter what the boss’
step-kid says) Since they had just been to the bar, most abstained from a beer
break this time, at least until the very end of the caution, then many ducked
in for a splash and go of Sunoco, not beer.
On the
restart at lap 132 (check the length of that baby would ya)
it was Flyin’ Ryan in front of Mini-me, Brown Truck,
Hurrikahne and Casey Merely. It appeared to this observer that Scoot Riggs who
restarted on the inside lane should have been black-flagged for jumping the
start, but I guess the flagman was on coffee break. Behind Scoot, Mini-me took the lead from Flyin’ Ryan
as Hurrikahne hit the wall, but kept on truckin’.
The gang
made it all the way to lap 154 that time before caution #6 came out for the
expiring engine of the Tide Ride. (Note
to Cal: Maybe Ricky would finish better if the car finished.) Now this, my
friends, is where all the fun began. Do you remember those new rules I mentioned
in the beginning? Well, surprise! They didn’t work worth diddley-squat
here. What was supposed to happen was that the pits would open as the leader
(Mini-me) came to the entrance the second time after the caution flag
waved, but the genius with the pit road flag waved the green the first time,
totally confusing everyone involved. Mini-me and at least 3 other cars, Texas
Terry, Jamie McCutey and either Mutt or the Brown
Truck (depending on whether you believe the TV or nascar.com), stayed on the track (the right thing
to do) while everyone else took advantage of that waving green flag and hopped
up on a barstool.
If that
wasn’t bad enough, when those four cars finished another two and a half-mile
circle, our genius was now waving the red flag at them. After much screaming
and tearing of hair on the part of Chief Pit Bulls in the bar, they were
finally allowed to pit after being dangerously close to running out of fuel.
Then of course, it was the same old same old, with NASCAR scratching butt,
trying to figure out who should be where and why. Finally, the viewing audience
was told that there would be an explanation from NASCREWED “After these
messages from our sponsors.” Did I mention how many of those messages we saw
throughout the day, coupled with frequent visits to the Roach Motel? Someday,
maybe someone will explain why, when they already have three overpaid, but
self-proclaimed “highly trained broadcast professionals” up in the booth, they
still need Frick and Frack in a trailer to amuse us.
(They do provide time for bathroom breaks I guess)
Well,
the explanation finally came, and it was only one word, “OOPS!” Maybe now
they’ll be installing traffic lights at the bar room door; controlled from the
tower of course, like the caution lights. Somewhere during all that, Stewpot
went to the lounge to have his transmission replaced. That only cost him six
laps, but they were very long and very slow laps. The One LAP UP was given to a
box of Cheerios, though by that point, a box of Goodies Powders would have been
more appropriate. They finally did restart the race, and I think it was the car
with the flames at the front of the pack, but there had been so much diving in
and out of the bar for just that last tiny drop of beer that my notes kept
changing and I finally threw the pen at the TV. (Artistic temper tantrum)
They’d
barely made a circle when at lap 167 Still Employed Mikey scattered NAPA parts
all over the wall. That occurred courtesy of a rap in the arse
from the Blue Deuce, which promptly spun and hit the wall as well. Chalk that
up as two more for the scrap heap, and one extremely overheated temper as well.
Gosh, you’d think Mikey had never hit anyone. The Crusty old veteran later
explained that he had no brakes when he hit Mikey, but Mikey made it clear that
he would have preferred that he had no teeth. The One LAP UP on this, the
seventh caution, went to Scoot Riggs, leaving him only one lap down instead of
two. Some of the lads came in for a Coors and some weren’t thirsty.
I’d like
to add a note here if I may. That crash occurred in turn 2, aka the “tunnel
turn.” That is the same turn where a crash in 1988 ended Bobby Allison’s career
and almost took his life. At present, Pocono only has the SAFER barrier
installed in the first turn. Come on Doc Joe, I know you can do better than
that.
They
restarted that time with May Be Fast in the lead over Mini-Me, Bounty Hunter
(Where’d HE come from) Busch League Kid and Big Brown Truck, with Mini-me
quickly reclaiming the lead. It took only four laps for caution flag #8 to
wave, when Stewpot spun harmlessly and all alone. The gang up front didn’t
change and the One LAP UP went again to Scoot Riggs, putting him last of the 23
cars still on the lead lap.
They
restarted on lap 181 and at lap 184, it was yellow once again (#9) as Rubby Gordon bounced off the curbing and nicked the rear of
the Alltel rolling phone booth. That put Flyin’ Ryan
into the spin cycle and the wall, cutting his afternoon a bit short. He was
pretty nice about it though, even offering up a new nickname for Gordon, “Wreckin’ Robby.”
That has a nice ring to it, don’t you think? That time the One LAP UP
went to Rickety Rudd, putting him only one lap in arrears.
They
tried again to get it right on lap 189, but this time Jamey McCutey
misjudged by just a tad the length of Pajama Jones' car and kissed his left
front as he pulled up in front of him. Jones’ left front Goodyear began smoking
and someone in the Control Tower pushed the panic button (Remember, they are in
total control of cautions now) and yellow flag #10 waved for no earthly reason
whatsoever. At this point in my notes, I had jotted down, “Why not just turn
this thing off?” Sigh! The One LAP UP went once more to Rickety Rudd and they
tried one last time on lap 193; this time a single file restart with Mini-me
leading May Be Fast, Bounty Hunter, Brown Truck and Busch League.
Now dear
friends and race fans, we come to the last bit of controversy, and the final
caution flag of the day. Remember, NASCAR has a new policy (one of thousands)
that issues a given lap each week beyond which a red flag will not be
displayed. That magic lap on Sunday was lap 196. My notes indicate that the
engine (The NEW Ford engine) in the Big Brown Truck blew on lap 195, followed
almost immediately by the engine in Jeffy Bootin’s #99 (Another NEW Ford engine). With two smoking
cars on the track, the caution was triggered and I picked that up as lap 195.
When
things later began to hit the fan, I went to check www.nascar.com, and found their very own
lap-by-lap count, which also indicated that caution #11 came out on lap 195.
Did I have the presence of mind to copy their list to file? Oh, you betcha! Yet, through some sort of chicanery or sleight of
hand, lap 195 was soon being referred to as the end of lap 196, and no red flag
was displayed. Instead, the cars circled slowly under yellow for ten or twelve
and a half miles, depending on your outlook, ending the race at caution speed
and in parade form.
Even the
caution though, was not without incident. Just before it came out, we saw Mutt
Kenseth rudely shove his DeWalt nose up and under the
rear of Kevin Havoc’s car, lifting the car right off the track. Now, Havoc is
not noted for taking kindly to things like that, so he caught Mutt under
caution and sent him for a trip through the lawn. After that, our mild-mannered
reigning champion ducked into a phone booth and assumed the identity of his
evil twin, Mad Dog Kenseth. Mad Dog then sped up behind Havoc and returned the
favor, spinning Mr. Goodwrench into the grass.
Of course, the invitations to the Cell Block (My thanks to one of the
guys on “Victory Lane”, who used that term; it’s nice to know that folks are
reading) were already on the way, but by golly, it did help to pass the time
while they ran all those caution miles.
The race
did finally and mercifully grind to a halt after about five hours time. No one
ran out of fuel on the closing laps and Mini-me was the winner, with the pylon
reading 48,19,18,24,97,8,5,31,42,41. Of course, the end of the race had to be
marred by some jackass in the stands winging a cooler onto the track and
managing to hit back-up flagman, Jimmy Howell with it. Said jackass was
identified by real fans nearby, and punished by NASCAR by being ejected from
the track when Howell preferred not to press charges. Don’t look now guys, but
the race was over. I doubt that he or she cared very much about having to leave
anyway.
Despite
all of the down-time ~ 57 laps run under caution (142.5 miles) ~ the race did
set a record of sorts, though not one to be envied. It was the slowest Pocono
race in history, averaging a speed of a whopping 112 mph.
Just
before I close, let me keep a promise to the landlady, who asked me to deliver
a one-word message to the boys at the Beach and Mike Helton in particular. It
appears that she must want to make up. The word was “KISS.”
And
that’s exactly the way it was at Pocono on Sunday. Would I lie to you?
~LIB
It’s
time now, gentle readers, for our Classic Country Closeout. This week I’ve
chosen a pair of very old songs by a very old storyteller about whom we shared
some discussion last week, Burl Ives. It was hard to choose from the probably
200 offerings I have from Burl, but these should give you a real flavor of his
music and for those of my generation or close to it, hopefully a lovely bit of
memory. First up, we have one of his classics, “The Big Rock Candy Mountain.” Please enjoy…
And
finally, we have one that has been my favorite all of my life, “My Grandfather’s Clock.”
Be well
gentle readers, and remember to keep smiling. It looks so good on you!
~ PattyKay