The Lady In Black ~ Chasing The Big Orange
9/16/2014>
PattyKay Lilley
I bid
you welcome gentle readers, and a most cordial welcome as well to our assigned
reader of all NASCAR fun and facts, wherever you may actually be seated in the
Queen's City of Charlotte, North Carolina. Do have some fun while you're with
us.
What's
that you say... another one from the Lady in Black so quickly? Well folks, it's
like this... the last piece... the one on 911, kind of got to the old lady and
I just didn't write anything following it. There's no one to fill in for me, so
I called on my best friend and alter ego to make another appearance, and like
the good ol' gal she is, she said she'd do it. This one is from Chicago, ten
years removed, and you don't need a calculator to know that makes it the 2004
race, held on July 11 of that year. For those uncertain of the terms and names
employed by the Lady in Black, you can find the race
report from racing-reference.info by clicking right about here.
Good day race fans. This is your
raving reporter, the Lady in Black, coming to you today from Jolly Joliet,
Illinois, where the gang from Nextbest Cup waged the mid-point battle in the
Chase for No Sponsorship this weekend. On Friday, that black cloud that follows
our gallant warriors from track to track was there with a vengeance, delaying
both Busch and Cup qualifying for several hours before finally relenting.
Still, the afternoon did not pass without entertainment, which was provided
when a gusty wind tore the huge Tropicana Orange loose from its moorings and
sent it careening around the track at breakneck speed, much to the
consternation of Todd Szegedy, who was attempting to qualify at the time.
As the Citrus Colossus (Many
thanks to Ben Blake ~ speedtv.com ~ from whom I shamelessly stole that one)
continued its trek around the track, a safety truck attempted to intercept it,
finally catching up to it but unable to pass. From alongside, the diligent
workers repeatedly poked the critter, which was some ten or more times larger
than the truck, until it finally was punctured and settled down over a catch
fence and a large group of spectators. It looked for all the world like
something from a Ray Bradbury movie, perhaps “The Slime that ate Chicago.” Humpy Wheeler will have to be on his toes to
top that one for showmanship.
The Busch race on Saturday was
claimed by first-time winner, Justin Labonte aka The Ice Chip (Off the old
block), son of Ice Man Texas Terry Labonte. Ice Chip took the checkers first
when veteran driver Mike Wall-Ace ran out of Sunoco with exactly one lap to go,
affording the rookie what was a very popular win. In what was by far the
classiest move of the entire weekend, the winner reprised his Daddy’s win in
the last real Southern 500 last year, by taking the checkered flag that had
waved over him and holding it out the window as he took his victory lap. This
is ever so much nicer than smoke and doughnuts.
Unlike the two days before,
Sunday dawned hot and steamy with a promise of fried drivers by the end of the
day along with 75,000 par-boiled fans in the stands. Still, there was a battle
to be fought and the combatants were more than ready to march into it. The
National Anthem was offered by Country singing star, Sara Evans, who took over
ten minutes to s-l-o-w-l-y moan her way through it, while gesturing with her
arms as if she were making love to someone in the audience. This little gal has
a good voice, but she chose to waste it by presenting The Star Spangled Banner
as a barroom torch song. The old WWII B-52 bomber that did a flyover at the end
was a great sight to behold. Thanks for the memories.
At last, it was time to do battle
and on the pole, it was once again (For the fourth time in a row) the car with
the Flames doing the honors, flanked this week by Hurrikahne. When the green
flag waved, blessedly without comment, those two assumed the lead positions,
followed on lap one by Jeffy’s Mini-me, Greg Baffled, Brian Snickers and Busch
interloper Mike Blister. (Oh no, I wasn’t even thinking about messing around
with that) Blister immediately began a trek to the rear, complaining about
being loose. At lap 3, we bade an expected good-bye to another Busch
interloper, appropriately named Chad B. Out, driving the seemingly ill-fated
#37 car.
Within a dozen laps or so,
Flameboy began fading back, also with a loose car, ceding the lead to Baffled,
while we watched Tony the Temper moving quickly to the front from his 10th
starting place. Lap 19 brought us to the first Bud break of the day when Flyin’
Ryan cut, then lost a left rear Goodyear, spinning himself into the wall and
taking the Busch League Kid with him. Due to the extreme heat, the whole gang
hit the bar for a cold one, though the choice of tires varied widely between
two, four and none. The One LAP UP (One Lucky Arse PUP) was awarded to Pajama
Jones. (Nope, I have no idea how he managed to be lapped in nineteen circles)
On the restart at lap 24, it was
the Depot Demon on point, followed by Jeremy Mayfail, the Candy Man, Casey
Merely and Scoot Riggs. As restarts go, this one never got off the ground, as
Long Gaughan provided some entertainment by offering the crowd a smoke show and
retiring to the lounge. (Must have been an oil line, since he came back to the
fray later)
At lap 30, they tried it again
and this time Jamie McCutey missed a shift, causing a freeway style chain
reaction behind him when Mutt Kenseth braked to avoid him. Mutt in turn was
clipped in the rear by Brian Snickers and Greg Baffled managed to hit both of
them. All of those soldiers marched on, though Baffled showed several laps of
tire smoke before the tire and fender came to an agreement and Snickers began
falling back with an obvious aero disadvantage on his right front fender.
At lap 40, Rickety Rudd shredded
his right rear along with the accompanying fender, spewing sheet metal all over
the track and bringing out caution #3. This time around, ten of the boys up
front elected to pass up Miller Time in favor of track position, while everyone
else hit the bar for refreshments. Remaining trackside were numbers
20/19/38/24/41/10/48/25 and 42. For the second time in a row, there was no One
LAP UP awarded, but Kevin Glue retired to the lounge for the afternoon.
When they took the green once
more, Stewpot moved out to a substantial lead and was soon running in his own
area code. Behind him, there was a spirited battle for second between Flames
and Mayfail, with the latter eventually prevailing. At lap 57, Casey Merely
came in for a cold Coors Lite and the removal of a windshield tear-off (someone
else’s) from his grill since his engine was boiling over. At lap 62, it was
Kevin Havoc’s turn at the bar, to replace a flat Goodyear and have tape removed
from his boiling engine.
Around this time, two of the
rolling wounded, Flyin’ Ryan and Busch League returned to the track to turn a
few more circles. By lap 82, those kids that had passed on Miller Time at lap
40 began to get thirsty and started taking green flag beer breaks. All that
activity turned the lead over to Mark the Munchkin for a bit, while Hammy Jr.
headed for the lounge to finish his day in air conditioning. He would be joined
in a few minutes by Hoimie Sadler and Pajama Jones.
At lap 107, Tony the Terror
sideswiped the car of Mario’s nephew, or as they say around the garage, gave
him the metallic version of the finger. This was only John’s fifth race of the
season, but it was also about the fifth time those two cars had mysteriously
come together. At lap 112, the pylon read, Stewpot, Mini-me, Munchkin, Candy
Man, Scoot Riggs, the Blue Deuce, Jeffy Bootin’ and Texas Terry.
The fourth yellow flew at around
lap 120, when Ricochet Craven went up in a plume of smoke and headed for the
air conditioning as well. It was bad timing for DJ, who had just brought the
Big Brown Truck to the bar, losing a lap, but it was good fortune for the car
with the Flames, which had been about to go a lap down to the Depot Demon.
Everyone hit the bar for a cold Coors, with some taking two tires and others
four. The car with the Flames sat at the bar for what seemed like forever,
while out on the track, the janitors were doing a bit of housekeeping with the
track sweepers. The One LAP UP that time went to the Zewo Hewo.
Lap 127 was another one of those
restarts that never really happened. As the green flag waved over the leaders,
Hurrikahne, the Silver Bullet and the Depot Demon, the latter pulled to the
high side and made a bonsai run toward the front, passing the silver car before
planting the nose of his rolling hardware store firmly in the rear bumper of
the Big Red Dodge, producing the expected results. Hurrikahne spun from the
lead into the SAFER barrier, collecting a half-dozen or so of his best friends
as well, while Stewpot drove off smiling.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the
gang in the #9 pit had seen this movie twice already this year, at Darlington
and Talladega. Chief Pit Bull, Tommy Wanna Win, took a stroll down to the #20
pits to converse about the weather with Greg Zipadeedoodah, and wouldn’t ya
know it, a fight broke out. (It looked like a good one too!) All I could think
of was a parody song, written and performed by John Boy and Billy after the
1989 “Race formerly known as The Winston.” Y’all remember when Rusty sorta
tapped Ol’ DW in the rear and sent him on a slide for life, don’t you? Well,
that song was written to the tune of “Devil Went Down to Georgia,” an old
Charlie Daniels song. The line that sticks in my mind is “Slide on the
racetrack, what a sight. Whole damn infield’s in a fight.” Now, I know all you
purists out there are going to be offended, but it was funny then and it’s
funny now. PC be hanged!
Anyway, when all that was over
with and the invitations to the Cell Block had been handed out, the Big Brown
Truck and Rubby Gordon had gotten laps back, as they were ahead of Hurrikahne
when the caution came out. The One LAP UP went to Scotch ‘n Soda Wimmer, and on
the restart at lap 135, the pylon showed who had survived to be up front, the
Home Depot Wrecking Ball, the Silver Bullet, Jeremy Mayfail, Mini-me and the
Candy Man.
Lap 173 saw another caution for
debris, giving a One LAP UP award to Flameboy, who had just been lapped. When
they restarted from that Bud break, it was still Stewpot in front of Mini-me,
Candy Man, Silver Bullet and Mayfail, but eight laps later Mini-me took over
the top spot.
At lap 210, Mike Blister
performed a solo spin into the SAFER barrier and retired to the lounge and some
cool air. It was Coors all around for the gang, but again some only stayed long
enough for two tires and the One LAP UP went to Casey Merely, who would have
gotten it the last time if Temper hadn’t just lapped Flameboy.
On the restart at lap 215, the
Silver Bullet refused to go forward, probably for lack of being in gear, and
fell back several positions. Once that shuffle was complete, it was Mayfail
leading Temperamental Tony, Mini-me, Munchkin and Silver Bullet, who’d found
his gear. After a few laps, it was Home Depot Orange back up front.
At lap 245, that old Frenchman,
Monsieur Debris was back on the track, bringing out caution number 8. Though
some of the boys in the back room came in for a cold Bud, the leaders all opted
for that track position. The One LAP UP went to the Bud Stud, and on the
restart at lap 250, the pylon read 20/19/48/6/40. That lasted all of four laps
before Rubby Gordon got into the rear of the Cheerios Bowl, sending it into the
wall, and the final caution of the afternoon waved so the janitors could sweep
up the cereal spill. The only trip to the bar that time was made by Brian
Snickers, who was in need of a left front Goodyear. The One LAP UP (Wasn’t it
nice at the road course, not to have that silly thing?) went to Mario’s nephew.
They began circling again in
earnest on lap 257, with no change in the running order up front. On the next
lap, the Pfizer Riser moved up to third place around Mini-me and was looking
strong, but with only three laps to go Mark’s Pfizer fizzled and he’d settle
for 24th place on the day.
Note to Cat in the Hat: Jack, you
really ought to be looking into that problem.
At the checkers, the pylon read
20,48,88,24,19,5,40,01,15 and 29. In an uncharacteristic move, there was no
smoke from Smoke and no victory lap taken. Instead, the Home Depot Hardware
Store rolled directly to Victory Lane, where the conquering hero took an
inordinate amount of time before exiting the car, deigning to emerge only after
Chief Pit Bull Zipadeedoodah was there to greet him. He was met with showers of
confetti and Gatorade (I think. It was wet anyway. I never can remember who
makes what, but it didn’t look like orange juice.) There was a hug from Zippy
followed by a kiss from a blond, all accompanied by a very mixed reaction from
the crowd. Ah well, a better driver than he once said that it didn’t matter if
they were cheering or booing, as long as they cared enough to make noise.
From my point of view, the high
point of the entire weekend was that Citrus Colossus (Big Orange) flying around
the track on Friday. That one is going to be played on highlight shows for many
years.
That’s exactly the way it was in
Joliet on Sunday. Would I lie to you?
~LIB
As I sit
here banging the keyboard on Sunday morning, this year's race in Chicago has
not yet been run, but one thing I will guarantee with all certainty is that
when the crowd fills the stands at Chicagoland Speedway this afternoon, it will
not be comprised of 75,000 spectators. It will, in fact, likely not make the
halfway mark to that 10-year old norm.
Ah well,
time now for our Classic Country Closeout, which many are saying you now look
forward to with anticipation. I'm in the mood for something lighter today, so
our first song will be one from that inimitable pair of Country Clowns, Red and
Ernest, as in Foley and Tubb. Here then is the seldom heard "Chicken
Song." Please enjoy:
Next,
here's one from my young teen years, offered by Justin Tubb, son of Ernest Tubb
and Goldie Hill, second wife of Carl Perkins. The song is called "Lookin'
Back to See."
We'll
close with a plea from Bobby Bare to save something near and dear to his
Country childhood... "Ode to That Little Brown Shack Out Back."
#ENJOYTHERACE!
#ERASETHECHASE!
Be well
gentle readers, and remember to keep smiling. It looks so good on you!
~ PattyKay