A Voice For The Fans ~ You Can't Make This Stuff Up!
5/30/2014 |
I bid
you welcome gentle readers, to the column written expressly for you, the fans,
from the website named for you, Race Fans Forever. A warm welcome is extended
as always to our assigned NASCAR reader, tucked safely away somewhere in the
Fan and Media Espionage Center in the Queen's City of Charlotte, North
Carolina. We kid because we care. ~ Chris
Myers
As most
of you know, once upon a time, a long time ago, this scribe dabbled in satire
under the guise of a "raving reporter", The Lady in Black. These
days, she is often described as "irascible", simply because she got
away with saying ever so much more than I would ever dream of putting in a
column... it says here. Oh yes, we had fun, my Lady and I, but sometimes, truth
can be stranger... and funnier... than fiction. Today, I was randomly poking my
way through Jayski's list of those that write better
than I, and a few that don't, and came across one of Jeff Meyer's "Voices
From the Cheap Seats" columns on Frontstretch.com, which are generally all
about a good laugh at NASCAR and ourselves, so off I went for my share of giggles
on the day.
As
usual, the laughs were abundant, but near the end of his column, Jeff brought
up something he swore was true. Well, OK... but I've been sworn at before, so
off I go to NASCAR's media center, and seek a release from the track in
question, which is Pocono, my own first love. I found
nothing, but still half believing that Jeff was serious, I trotted over to the
Pocono Raceway site and after cracking the code that files news under "connect"
(... don't ask; I don't know. Every race track site is completely different
from all others. It's part of the game), I was then able to select a headline
that read, "HALFTIME PARTY ANNOUNCED FOR THE 2014 POCONO 400."
Clicking on that transported me to yet another page, where I read the following
announcement:
LONG POND, PA (April 28, 2014) – Pocono Raceway will host their
first-ever ‘Bud Light Halftime Party’ from lap 60 to lap 120 of the Pocono 400
NASCAR Sprint Cup Series Race on Sunday, June 8. This exclusive party will
allow fans, ages 21 and older, to access a VIP-only area which will include
beer, food, beer games, live music and a big-screen television to watch the
race broadcast.
“We are really excited about today’s announcement,” said Pocono Raceway
President/CEO, Brandon Igdalsky. “To the best of our
knowledge, this is the first NASCAR Sprint Cup Series mid-race party of its
kind. Fans can enhance their Pocono race-day experience by getting out of the
sun for a few laps, grabbing a few beers with friends and enjoying the live
entertainment we’re offering with the Bud Light Halftime Party. All this without missing the action on the track.”
Fans have two options to gain access to the inaugural Bud Light Halftime
Party at Pocono Raceway. The first is a $69 ticket package which includes a
100-level Grandstand ticket to the Pocono 400 and the Bud Light Halftime Party
Access Pass. The second option is a $19 Bud Light Halftime Party Access Pass,
for those who either have previously purchased Pocono 400 tickets or are
looking to purchase higher-level seats.
To purchase this one-of-a-kind access, and for more information, please
visitwww.poconoraceway.com/halftime
All right then, for what seems a small price, the
world is invited to party at Pocono. Gentle readers, do you see anything wrong
with this picture? So, you drive from home, wherever home may be, probably stay
in a hotel/motel/campground nearby and spend a couple of days at the track...
and at the mercy of the track. Pocono is an awesome track as far as food goes.
If you can't find what you seek on the grandstand side, go through the tunnel
into the infield and another whole world opens up in front of you. Vendors are
selling most of what you could have gotten across the track, but oh, so much
more. If the vendors don't have that one odd item you crave, there's an odds-on
chance that if you roam the infield for a bit, it will turn up at one campsite
or another, and everyone is friendly and willing to share. They've been
drinking since breakfast and will share not only food but drink and perhaps a
semi-legal substance or two.
On race day, if you purchased one of those 100-level
grandstand seats, the first thing you'll find is that you can see nothing,
other than a very small segment of the longest frontstretch in NASCAR racing.
It's an airstrip, quite literally, and you're seated on the apron. Pocono is
2.5 miles of flat-land splendor, with enough going on in the middle to equal a
not-so-small city. That alone will make the idea of a private beer bash with
giant screen TV seem like heaven, I'd guess. Remember
though, they’re going to throw you to the wolves with 40 laps to go, and watch
to see if you can remember where your seats were. If you can, it probably took
you 10 laps to get there, so you will now miss the final 30 laps of the race or
at least be reduced to an audio version. Heed this warning. If this is in your
plans, their track audio, at least the last time I enjoyed their hospitality,
was unintelligible at best. Rent a scanner.
So... the race is over; your car is deep in a
parking lot that was full of attendants when you came in, all of which have
magically disappeared in time to beat the traffic jam back to I-80. It's going
to be 2 hours or more before you see that road, so you might as well relax.
This is where we learned the true meaning of tailgating... not before a
sporting event, but waiting out the traffic jam that is Pocono when the race is
over. Break out a couple of portable gas grills; everyone has food of some sort
in a cooler in the trunk. This is a quieter bunch than you met yesterday in the
infield. These folks are not camping overnight here. Like you, they are driving
and most... though not all... are surprisingly sober. They've been watching the
race. Some of us do that.
We, however, never did it from Level-100 seating. Oh
no! We had reserved seats in the Terrace Club. That's the part WAY up top; the
part that used to be covered by an awning, but is now glassed in. Our
"package" included 3-day admission, tunnel access, cold pit passes
and on Sunday, food that began with coffee and doughnuts as soon as you could
get to the track and continued to come forth, course after course, right up to
race's end. That unending buffet was accompanied by an open and unlimited bar and
private bathrooms that were blessedly close at hand. From that aerie, you could
see the entire track. Well, when I say "see", remember, all things
are relative. Standard binoculars are usually 7x35 power.
I had a pair of 8x50 Bausch and Lomb Naval glasses, and even with those, turn
2... the tunnel turn... which is a 90º angle, looked
like a straight-away. It's a long way
out there!
Was that expensive? Oh my yes, but worth every
penny! Of course, like all good things, it took more of those pennies each year
until they finally priced it out of reach of a telephone repairman's wallet. But enough about me, because quite frankly, I'm boring.
Returning to that inexpensive little package with seats almost on the airstrip,
it seems the best part of that day would be the beer bash in the middle of the
race, where you get to stop being sun-baked for a bit, watch the race on a
really cool TV screen and raise a glass or two with old or new friends. Gentle
readers, don't we all know a place where we can do that without any of the
hassle of driving, parking, staying over and coming home sunburned and
exhausted, not to mention, broke? It's called "Home." Call up Fred
and Wilma and maybe another cool couple, gather 'round your flat screen in the
man cave and yell for your favorite driver to your heart's content. No one's
going to toss you out with 40 laps to go. You're in racing heaven! Enjoy!
Note to Brandon Igdalsky:
Once upon a time, your grandparents had something similar to this. It was a
hospitality tent in the infield proudly boasting "Miller" flags
flying from all corners. Miller Beer paid for that privilege by sponsoring the
entire race. Back then, this race coming up soon was
either the Miller High Life 500 or the Miller Genuine Draft 500. Either way,
Miller was paying the bills. If you're intent on aiding your fans in getting
drunk before they drive, you might as well do it for a reason... like money...
the universal language. Oh, and I could be wrong, but I don't believe that tent
was open during the race itself, only beforehand. One last
little thing Sir... I couldn't help noticing that one of the first
comments made after your announcement was a plea for including the folks in the
infield in your little party. Here's a clue; there is already enough beer and
other assorted intoxicants in that infield to inebriate the entire state of
Delaware and parts of New Jersey. Do they really need more? Does anyone there
at the race need more?
Gentle readers, I told you, I can't make this stuff
up. You read it; it's on the Pocono Raceway website. If the Lady in Black told
you about that party, you'd all think she was talking about a pit stop and pass
right on to the next joke. Feel free to do the same with this. Will anyone
actually pay good money to sit in unsellable seats just to have a couple of
beers with a couple thousand of his closest friends? For sure and certain, it
won't be this anyone. I don't even drink beer.
And now, it's time for our Classic Country Closeout,
and I have for you today what I hope will be a treat. You've often heard me
complain (Hey, it's what old people do) of having so many songs in my
collection that don't appear on YouTube, which precludes my ability to share
them without paying royalty fees to whoever thinks they are due them. Well, my
wonderful, loving, caring adopted son Darrell is a bit of a technical wizard
and can make a YouTube presentation from any one of my audio files. I've no
intention of imposing too much on his time, which I know is already filled with
more than most could handle, but he has done a couple for me, which have never
before appeared on the Internet. It's probably not surprising that they are by
Tex Ritter and Red Foley respectively.
First, here is Tex Ritter, singing one called
"Lady Killin' Cowboy" from his album,
"Sing Cowboy Sing." To the best of my knowledge, Tex is the only one
to record this one, and I couldn't imagine anyone else doing it justice. Please
enjoy:
And last for today is a song I've long loved for
many reasons. This is Red Foley, from early in his career, singing
"Rosalie." It's not a mere coincidence that Rosalie was the name of
my best friend, who passed from this earth far too soon in 1997. This is for
her, and at long last, I can share it with you.
Be well gentle readers, and remember to keep
smiling. It looks so good on you.
~ PattyKay