A Voice For The Fans ~ "Driver Nation"...What In Tarnation? 9/05/2014 |
I bid
you welcome gentle readers, to one of the most humorous pieces this scribe has
ever penned... mostly because it follows reading some of the funniest stuff
ever printed. At this point, we always welcome our assigned reader of all
things NASCAR, so come on, join in the fun and
frivolity. Boys and girls, NASCAR fans of all ages, the Circus is back in town and
you won't believe how many clowns its brought this
year!
In anticipation
of what is now being billed as "A bigger Chase for the NASCAR Sprint Cup,
in both size and stature", NASCAR has planned not one, but a series of
"Media Days" centered on what the little emperor would like us to
believe is some brand new "playoff" scheme invented and run solely by
him. Gentle readers, it's the same tired old cliché he's called the Chase for
eleven years; it just has a few more players this year. Remember when he
trotted out this idea in the pre-season weeks before Daytona, 2004? We were told
then never to call it a "playoff" as that would be silly, since there
are no leagues or divisions in NASCAR racing, only the same 43 cars going
around in circles for the better part of 36 weeks plus exhibition races.
Direct
quotes can be found in red italics below, and are derived from press advisories
sent by NASCAR to your scribe on Tuesday of this week.
Chase
Across North America
"On Wednesday,
Sept. 10, the 16 Challengers will participate in the Chase Across North America
media tour. The multi-country media blitz will feature 16 different drivers
across 16 different cities, with one driver visiting each of the following
locations: every Chase track market, Los Angeles, Mexico City, San Antonio,
Toronto, New York and ESPN’s headquarters in Bristol, Connecticut."
Four-time
Champ Jeff Gordon will visit four "iconic" locations in Toronto,
supposedly signifying the four rounds of the new and improved Chase [For No Sponsorship]
during his "Chase across Toronto." Carl Edwards will take the
"excitement" of the new format to Mexico City when he visits some of
the most internationally recognizable locations in one of North America's
largest cities.
I assume
he also will visit four locations, though the press announcement does not
specify, nor does it mention a "Chase across Mexico City." That might
get you chased back to the border in that culture. Recall that the last time we
sent our Busch drivers there to race at the Autodromo
Hermanos Rodriquez, they had to be met at the border
and escorted to the track by armed guard. That leaves fourteen other guys to
visit fourteen other cities and spread the joy like jelly on peanut butter. Is
it mere coincidence that excepting those cities hosting a Chase race, none are
located in the Southeast? This scribe once dubbed the Southeast "The Land
that Brian Forgot." I guess he
hasn't remembered yet... more's the pity.
Just for
future reference, note how many times words such as "national",
"international" , "nationwide" and several others similar
in scope are employed. There is a message there; be like a good scout and
"be prepared." Note also that
the elite series of NASCAR has never raced in Mexico and has not visited Canada
since we were known as "Grand National"... but it makes for great
press lines.
Chase
Media Day
"Chase Media
Day will be held Thursday, Sept. 11, at The Murphy located at 50 E. Erie Street
in the heart of downtown Chicago. The 16 Challengers will participate in media
availability with national and local outlets representing broadcast, print and
online media, just days before the 16-nation, 10-battle Chase begins at
Chicagoland Speedway."
Sixteen~nation?
Hello? You're reading that exactly as printed in the press advisory received
here on September 2, 2014. As a child of World War II, it's always been my
impression that a battle between nations is called "War!" Brian, you
might want to tread lightly while rethinking that phraseology. That's the sort
of thing that gets wars started.
Contender
Media Day and Eliminator Media Day
"Heading into
the Contender and Eliminator rounds in the Chase for the NASCAR Sprint Cup, the
remaining championship contending drivers – the 12 Contenders and Eliminator 8
– will participate in two media days that include a press conference, media
rotation as well as a fan Q&A, where their driver nations will rally in
support at the NASCAR Hall of Fame."
I must
apologize because I still don't get it. "Driver
Nations?" Is this some sort of cheap takeoff on "Junior
Nation" and now allotting each driver a "Nation" of his very
own? Cool your jets Brian. Jack Nicklaus would never have considered having his
own "Army" in competition with "Arnie's Army." He settled
for the old fashioned way... beating him on the golf course. Dale Earnhardt Jr.
has a "Nation" because he so dubbed it, as did Arnold Palmer his
"Army." It just doesn't work in the same way with someone else.
Try... try very hard... to have an original thought
once in a while. "Eliminator 8" does have a nice ring to it... kind
of like a movie title. Oh no... that was "Butterfield
8" and it's already been done in both book and movie formats.
Championship
Media Day
The Championship 4
and their team owners will participate in a press conference heading into the
final battle — Ford Championship Weekend at Homestead-Miami Speedway. The media
day will take place the evening of Wednesday, Nov. 12, at the Trump National Doral
Miami.
That's
all well and good I guess. When the race in Homestead is over, someone will be
declared a Champion, though not by means that would be recognized in any other
sport. Stock car racing folks will have just spent 10 long weeks making complete
and utter fools of themselves if they believe that
whoever stands tall at Homestead is an actual Champion of anything. The
possibility of that happening is so slim as to be negligible in scope... the
proverbial needle in a haystack. Right now, with one race to go before the
nonsense ensues, it looks as though Jeff Gordon will lead the points and
therefore has every right to be called the Champion of the regular season. The
last thing I want is my own dang nation, but how would it be I call all of my
gentle readers "Patty's Kids?" Would that be OK with everyone?
Brian,
we've told you for eleven years now that the vast majority of fans do not like,
let alone love or enjoy your Chase thing, and we find no reason to celebrate or
elevate it to something more than it already is... a joke! After Richmond,
Patty's Kids will name and honor our own Champion, and
devil take the meaningless Chase. Eliminations? Really? For all ten races, there will be a full field of
cars on the track. That is guaranteed. No one will be "eliminated",
merely ignored. So while you exalt 16 at first, then dwindle their numbers to
12 then 8, then 4, the number of unhappy sponsors will climb in the direct
inverse... from 27 to 31 to 35 to 39. When it gets to those last four, you
could have some very interesting scenarios to deal with, but I'll leave that to
those that have the imagination... and the stomach for it.
Oh, and
while we're speaking of "nations", that word is part of a wide range
of other words, with diverse meanings... words such as "Elimination",
"Abomination", "Alienation", "Condemnation", "Contamination",
"Damnation", "Determination", "Discrimination",
"Domination", "Hallucination", "Incrimination",
"Machination", "Stagnation" and all the way down to
"Urination" and beyond. I think you can just keep your
"Nations", all 16 of them or whatever. Out here in Fan Land, you'll
find there are a whole lot more Patty's Kids than there are Brian's Nations,
and that's just plain, simple fact.
One
quick word before we go to our Classic Country Closeout. When writing my last
column, I was in a very sad mood for several reasons. Many
thanks to all my gentle readers who understood and took the time to say so,
either here on these pages or privately. You are all appreciated more
than you could know. Then, to that one person... a legend in his own mind...
that took great umbrage at something in that column and strongly suggested on
international radio that I "Shut the Hell up", I'm very sorry, but
your request cannot be granted at this time. You were not a mean person when I
met you. Please, reflect on that, and as the song says, "May the Good Lord
Bless and Keep You."
And that
will move us nicely into our Classic Country Closeout, as we listen to the
ever-velvet smooth voice of Jim Reeves offering "May the Good Lord Bless
and Keep You."
The next
song has no relationship to anything talked about recently. It's merely an old
WWII song that I came across in my files the other day and thought it's one I'd
really like to share. To my dear old "Boss", Ron Felix, this one's
for you! This is Elton Britt singing, "There's a Star Spangled Banner
Waving Somewhere."
And
finally, one that I've always loved by a singer I've always loved also. This is
Hank Snow singing "Wishing Well." Please enjoy:
Be well
gentle readers, and remember to keep smiling. It looks so good on you!
~ PattyKay