The Lady In Black AT The Lady In Black
4/15/2014>
PattyKay Lilley
I bid
you welcome gentle readers. Today we bring you another throwback with The Lady
in Black. This one, believe it or not, was actually requested, and Michele,
this one's for you Hon! You asked for one on The Lady in Black, so I found you
a double... The Lady in Black AT The Lady in Black. The
race is the Dodge Dealers 400 at Darlington, run on March 16, 2003. For those
not familiar with the nicknames tossed out by the Lady in Black, or those of us
with failing memories, you may click here to view the actual race stats courtesy
of racing-reference.info. I hope
everyone enjoys the Lady's touch on what remains one of, if not the best finish
in NASCAR Cup history... and the irony of the final remark.
The Lady In Black AT The Lady in Black
by: PattyKay Lilley
Welcome, gentle readers, to my
little corner of the world. Did you enjoy the race Sunday at
Please remember, she’s intended
to be funny. Any drivers not insulted in her rundown must not have done
anything worth noting. Ladies and gentlemen, the Lady in Black:
Good day
race fans. This is your raving reporter, The Lady in Black, coming to you from
Darlington Raceway, the track they named after me. Did everyone see that race?
By golly, that one was so good I'm tempted to jump right to the end, but like
all good reporters, I'll tell you exactly what happened, from the beginning.
Only
seven laps after the Boogity flag waved, Jerry Nay-do took a moment to
entertain us with his interpretation of a pirouette. That would have been a
"no harm, no foul" situation, but out back Matt Kantsee
forgot to check his side view mirror and drove his tool wagon straight down
into the car with the star. Nineteen of the gladiators brought their cars in
for a bit of refreshments, but they needn't have worried. There'd be plenty of
opportunities coming. On lap 14, the Zero Hero took his turn at a solo spin
when he got loose under the 01 of Nay-do. Grateful for a Bud break, even this
early, the rest of the field headed for the pits with the exception of the
Elephant Man who said he didn't need "no stinkin'
tires."
At lap
24, it was the
They
barely got that mess cleaned up and the combatants back on the racetrack when
Jeff Burnin' became the designated Roush smoke stack
for the second week in a row, and once more, it was Cit-go no-go. I've heard
they're looking for a new theme song in that camp. Either
"Another One Bites the Dust" or "Smoke gets in Your Eyes"
would seem appropriate to me.
After
that trip to the watering hole, they actually ran about 30 laps before Wawd the Marblemouth allowed his
Cat to scratch the New Man's pretty blue car, sending both cars around, to the
delight of about three people, none of whom were over 12-years old. That
prompted another refreshing Bud break for the gang, and the Bud beer wagon was
fittingly in the lead.
Around
lap 86, we were treated to a smoke show from the 01 of Nay-do, who certainly
did his part in providing us with entertainment all day. That turned
out to be a broken fitting on the oil line that goes to the gauge. The cost of
those repairs was eight laps on the track. Lap 117 saw Viagra move to the front
and soon after that, green flag pit stops began, with the most amusing being
that of the Busch League kid, who managed to miss pit road entirely on his
first try. Seems to me we've seen that movie! About that same time, Kodak Mike
skinned the rear of the #7 Dodge, putting it ever so gently into the wall. Old
Jimmy got so mad that only a couple of laps later, he saw a car with yellow on
it and gave Mario's nephew a Sirius push that resulted in splattering Cheerios
all over the outside and inside walls. Now, John is used to hitting things, and
it would have been OK, but several cars had already made green flag stops and
were caught with their knickers at their knees when the yellow waved. During
this recess, Dale the Lesser had to repit for that painful condition known as "loose
nuts" and Joe Upchuck got a speeding ticket that sent him way out back on
the restart. More fortunate were the Flaming car, the rolling candy store and
the Viagra sample, which got to start up front. (Well, up front except for a
bunch of those early pitters that stayed out on the track.)
Around
lap 205, it was The Big Brown Truck bangin' hard on
the Flames, trying to keep his lap, but eventually losing the battle. I'm
sorry, but the radio conversation from that truck to the pits is rated for
mature audiences only and I can't put it in print but it was colorful, to say
the least.
At lap
237, NASCAR threw a caution for debris on the track, although I don't recall
ever seeing any. In the ASA (American Speed Association), they call that a
"competition caution", for the purpose of bunching up the warriors
and letting them bang on each other some more. NASCAR just isn't that honest.
At lap
263, Busch League announced that his power steering was anything but Sharpie,
but I have to tell you, that boy must be stronger than he looks. Up front, the
battle had been hot and heavy between Flameboy and the Baloney Burger kid in
the candy machine, and they must have used up a lot of rubber. With 19 laps to
go, that Sharpie Ford just shot around both of them, and moved out to his own
zip code for a bit. With 17 to go, Sad Sack put candy kisses on the wall and
the Flames were flickering and dying like last night's campfire. At lap 284
Flameboy hit the wall hard enough to take the car in for a bandage, but at lap
290 the flames went out for good, to finish 33rd.
Now,
back up front things were starting to take shape. We saw the Tide machine
streak around Dave Blarney and set sail for that Sharpie car. Blarney must have caught a draft, because the
three of them left everyone else in the dust. With two laps to go, it was
obvious that Ricky was Cravin' the win, and he
did some serious Busch-Whackin', but power steering
or not, Busch whacked him right back. They traded places several times, just frammin' and bammin' on each
other, until turn four of the last lap, when Ricky turned the Tide down
under Kurt, and they ran nose to nose, fender to fender and eye to eye, all the
way to the finish line, somehow managing not to wreck either car. Still no one knew who won. The official difference
in their finishing times was .002 seconds, and I guess you can credit that GM
kick-out on the nose for giving the win to the #32 over the #97.
Fans, it
was the best race this Lady has seen in many years, and it will go down as one
of the best ever, when the history books have been written. We just aren’t
treated to that kind of racing much these days. So what does NASCAR have on the
drawing board for next year? Why, taking this race away from
~LIB
Well, there she goes gentle
readers, but I imagine that we’ll hear from the Lady again after
~ PattyKay