The Great American Race ~ The Lady In Black
2/26/2014
PattyKay Lilley
I bid you welcome gentle readers,
to another flashback in time with that irascible raving reporter, The Lady in
Black. Today the Lady takes you back one decade (plus one week), to the Daytona
500 of 2004. If you braved the late hours of Sunday evening to watch the
running of this year's Great America Race, I think you'll be amazed at how things really
haven't changed as much as we think they have. Please enjoy this trip back
through time, and those not familiar with the names used by the Lady and those
with short memories or CRS syndrome can find
the actual race results here.
Good
day, race fans. This is your raving reporter, the Lady in Black, coming to you
once again from soggy Daytona International Speedway, where the kids from Nextbest Cup finally got their show on the road on Sunday
afternoon, and what a show it was!
Before
there were even cars on the track, there was a party in the infield, and even
Kurt's dad, Geedubya Bush, stopped by for a beer.
Once he'd landed his little Piper Cub out behind the backstretch, he mingled
for a while with the common folks before being put to work. They even gave
part-time Bill a job for a while, babysitting the Racer-in-Chief as he roamed
the infield.
The
entertainment was a bit of a mixed bag. Do you remember that cute little girl
with the angelic voice that sang a song called "Blue" a few years
back? Well, she's grown up now, and there's not much angelic left. To open the
show, she sang what I'm told was a patriotic song, and well might have been,
but the only words that I understood were "USA." Her gyrations were
accompanied by a large company of pom-pom girls, shaking everything they had.
Next on
the stage was Lee Greenwood, delivering a wonderful rendition of his ever
popular, "God Bless the USA." His accompaniment was a young marching
Color Guard and a corps of red-clad youngsters waving American flags. At the
end of the song, a huge American flag was unfurled at the edge of the
frontstretch and a bevy of white doves was released to soar skyward. Once the
birds were no longer in firing range, there was an interview with the
Racer-in-Chief, still circulating under Bill's watchful eye.
Out on
the track, the Colors were presented by a Guard consisting of members from all
five U.S Military branches, and the invocation was given by the wonderful
Reverend Hal Marchman. Our National Anthem was delivered by Miss Rimes, who
might as well have yodeled it. Come on guys, you had Lee Greenwood right there!
Who better to do a patriotic song?
After a
flyover by B-2 Stealth bombers and F-15 fighter jets, Part-time Bill brought
his charge to the microphone, where he uttered something very Presidential,
ending with the words, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
Was that
enough pageantry to satisfy the fans? Evidently not, because as the kids rolled
onto the track, their honorary leader was Ben Affleck, whom I am told makes
movies or something, and when the green flag finally waved, it was in the hands
of Whoopi Goldberg, who appeared to be having a ball up there.
On the
pole, it was supposed to be Greg Baffled, but he was naughty and broke his
Cat-in-the-hat engine, so he had to go to the back of the class. That moved the
Bud Stud up to the pole, flanked by the Candy Man on the outside. Several
others received the same punishment as Baffled, for varying offenses, including
Flyin' Ryan, Can't Cope, Ricochet Craven and Squat
Riggs. It was quite crowded back there.
Once the
Whoopi flag waved, the troops marched around two by two for several laps,
holding an almost perfect starting formation. That all ended on lap 8, when
Mark the Munchkin's Cat-in-the-hat engine ran out of Viagra and slowed in a giant
plume of smoke. Mark got to watch the rest of the show from the lounge. A few
of the kids decided to hit the bar for some early refreshments, but a couple of
them had some problems getting off their stools. A tire from Mule Skinner's car
went rolling out onto pit road after his tire carrier was struck by yet another
errant tire from the pit of Ricochet Craven. Can't Cope managed to take perfect
aim on Skinner's tire and there were already several unhappy campers.
At the
restart on lap 12, it was Dale the lesser leading Stewpot, Jiminy McCricket, Long Tall Mikey and Jeffy's Mini-me. They fussed around, restrictor plate style,
for a while and by lap 24, there was a four-car breakaway by the Bud Stud,
Stewpot, Mini-Me and Kevin Havoc. Right about then, Casey smeared a Goodyear
and had to pit for four new pretzels and a quick beer.
Two laps
later, there was a puff of smoke from Jeffy Bootin's car and another Cat-in-the-hat engine expired.
Jack was heard to say something unprintable about Robert Yates and mounting
bolts. Soon after that, the kids began a round of green flag beer breaks, and
you know how that goes. At lap 34, Can't Cope hit the wall and Whoopi got to
wave the yellow flag again, messing up the running order quite a bit. As the
kids that hadn't had a beer yet came to the bar, Stewpot snookered the Bud Stud
for the lead and came out first, but not first in line. There was a bunch of kids ahead of him, being
scored as on the tail end of the lead lap. Those included Candy Man, Mule
Skinner, Little Johnny Slaughter, Ricochet Craven, Rickety Rudd and Bobby
Lobotomy, whose entrance onto pit road had been less than spectacular but definitely
agricultural.
The
restart was a bit messy, with the leaders buried deep in traffic, but they got
it sorted out after a while. Little Larry Fart didn't come up to speed and
limped his unsponsored mount back to the bar. At lap 42, Kandy Kahne's shiny new toy gave out a puff of smoke and he would
join the Roush kids in the lounge. (Nope, Ray told me that he does NOT borrow
engines from Ford) A couple laps later, there was slight contact between the
Busch League Kid and the Bud Stud. That resulted in smoke from Sharpie's right
front tire and a trip to the bar for a quick beer.
At lap
60, Jiminy McCricket eased his car with the star up
into a space being occupied by the blue deuce. Consequently, Krusty slid up into Jeff the Greenhorn, who immediately
spilled Cheerios all over the wall and collected Ken Shredder's new pizza wagon
on the way. Once again, Whoopi got to play with the yellow flag and all the
kids took a Bud break. While they were at the bar, Flyin'
Ryan wanted to leave in a hurry and backed into Rubby
Gordon's Cingular Chevy. Haste makes waste, and he had to come back for another
beer and some duct tape.
On the
restart at lap 65, it was Stewpot ahead of Mutt Kenseth, the Bud Stud, Flameboy, Jeffy's Mini-Me and
Long Tall Mikey. For a while, they stayed in a two by two formation, but just
when you think that it's safe to go back in the water, the trouble begins
again.
On lap
71, everybody was minding his own business, when here was Little Johnny
Slaughter, making it three wide on the bottom. Richard's new kid on the block
got loose and punted the Vicar right up into the NAPA Parts Cart and the
"Big One" was underway. When the smoke cleared, at least a dozen cars
wouldn't be winning anything that afternoon, and the NAPA Parts Cart was on its
roof.
It took
a long time to clear the debris from the track, and much of it was carried away
on flatbeds. It took just as long before Long Tall Mikey managed to convince
the "safety" workers that cutting bars would more than likely result
in cutting some important part of Mikey. Finally, they got the idea, turned the
car back onto its wheels and Jaws II emerged unscathed but irate.
At the
restart, it was the car with the flames out front, followed by Stewpot, Bud
Stud, Dave Blarney (Yes, I said Dave Blarney) and Jeffy's
Mini-Me. Little Johnny Slaughter's rolling phone booth was smoking at the
restart and he finally went back to the bar for a beer and a left front
Goodyear. They traded positions up front for a couple of laps, with Stewpot
emerging as leader when it was all over. They circled until lap 105 and then
another round of green flag beer breaks began. If it seems that they were
spending a lot of time at the bar, remember, NASCAR makes them use those
itsy-bitsy gas tanks to keep the kids from getting bored on the big tracks.
Once
everyone had been to the bar, it was Stewpot, Baffled and the Bud Stud out in
their own area code. Shortly after that, we saw the Presidential Piper Cub take
off. Gee, what kind of a guy leaves a race before he knows who won? I guess he
must have had some important "running the country" stuff to take care
of.
Up
front, it was still Stewpot and the Bud Stud with the Busch League Kid running
between them, but still a lap down. Behind them were Scott Whimper, Havoc,
Baffled and Blarney. At lap 137, the leaders came back to the bar for
refreshments, but just as they were about to pass through the swinging doors,
here comes Little Johnny Slaughter again, careening up the inside and making a
180 mph pass through pit road. Of course, NASCAR invited him right back in for
another beer, but I'm betting that he's in line for one of Richard's
"trips to the river" when the race is over.
It took
about three laps to get everyone served, and this time the invitation to return
went to Cow Patty who had taken his gas can away from the bar. Out on the
track, it was Stewpot leading Whimper, Dale the lesser, Baffled and Flameboy,
with the Sharpie car still running with them.
They played around with that running order a bit, but the leader remained
Stewpot and the rest of the field was far behind that little pack of cars.
At lap
169, it was more beer and pretzels and a bold move by Whimper to take only two
pretzels and go back on the track in the lead. He started out 2.2 seconds ahead
of the other kids, but by lap 175, the three-car train of Home Depot, Budweiser
and Sharpie had Cat for lunch as they whipped by the solo car of Whimper.
At lap
181, we saw the Bud Stud swing low under Stewpot, and though Buschytail hung with the Home Depot car, it was Bud Stud to
the front easily. There was action and passing for position going on out back,
but no one cared, as we watched nineteen laps of good clean hard racing up
front. In the end, nothing changed at the front of the pack and the pylon
showed 8-20-22-29-48-01-38-24-17-88.
We
watched a much shaken Tony Eury beaming with pride
that his young protégé had just won the Great American Race. Out on the track,
the Bud Stud took a slow victory lap, then parked at the start/finish line and
got out of the car to acknowledge the fans. He was immediately encircled by a
throng of well-wishers wanting to hug him or take his picture or both. Big
Daddy NASCAR suggested that he bring the car to Victory Lane so that Nothing But Commercials could cover a few minutes of taped bull
riding, but he still took the time to rip up the landscaping just a bit. After
all, it's not every day that one wins the Daytona 500!
In
retrospect, it was, as most races are, a grand day for some and just a long
afternoon for others. If there was just a touch of nostalgia for some on
Sunday, that's a good thing. The Son also rises!
That's
exactly the way it was in Daytona on Sunday.
Would I lie to you?
~LIB
Be well gentle readers, and
remember to keep smiling. It looks so good on you!
~ PattyKay