The Lady In Black ~ Looking Back On The Beginning Of The Chase
9/09/2014>
PattyKay Lilley
I bid
you welcome gentle readers, and a warm welcome as well to our assigned reader
of all things NASCAR, believed to be comfortably ensconced within the beautiful
new Fan and Media Espionage Center in Charlotte, North Carolina. I do hope your
stay with us is a pleasant one.
It seems
to your scribe that with all talk and hype being centered right now on the
Chase, the whole Chase and nothing but the Chase, this would be the proper time
to take a trip back through the years to where it all began. The year is 2004,
or as I like to call it, "The beginning of the end of racing." Dale
Earnhardt is gone; R.J. Reynolds has been driven from the American sports scene
like a feral dog from a warm campfire and Bill France Jr., close to losing his
battle with cancer, has handed the keys to the Kingdom over to his son, Brian.
Just as
happened this past weekend, the year has come down to the last race before the then
new and totally unprecedented "Chase" thing, which we in the media
were advised not to refer to as a "playoff." Again, like this past
weekend, the race we'll be reading about was run at Richmond International
Raceway in beautiful Richmond, Virginia, Capital of the Confederacy.
Aren't
we lucky then, that we have on hand a complete account of that race as told by
my dear and irascible friend and alter ego, that raving reporter, the Lady in
Black? As most know, the Lady had her own way of phrasing things that either
endeared her to you or caused you to turn and run. Either way, her race reports
tell it exactly as it happened. For those not familiar with the names employed
by the Lady, a record of the entire race can be
found at this link,
courtesy of racing-reference.info.
As we
read about this ten-year-old race, recall the bland, never-changing panorama of
boredom we watched on Saturday night, where the highlight of the entire evening
was when a rather inebriated person attempted to scale the catch fence, perhaps
with a thought toward spurring on the combatants to make a race of it. Four
lead changes between two drivers for 400 laps? Really??
Here
then, without further ado, is the Lady in Black at her sarcastic best, exactly
as she appeared on the pages of Insider Racing News on September 15, 2004.
Please, enjoy!
The Lady in Black: Looking Back On The Beginning Of The Chase
by: PattyKay Lilley
Good day race fans. This is your
raving reporter, the Lady in Black, coming to you this week from historic old
Richmond Virginia, capital of the Confederacy, where Saturday evening saw the
final battle in the Race to the Chase for No Sponsorship. (Say that three times
fast) Under the newly rewritten rules of the Daytona Beach Convention, the
first twenty-six battles, including the one we watched on Saturday are merely a
method of deciding upon the worthiness of the Army of Ten that will eventually
provide a victor in the overall war. If that sounds as clear as black strap
molasses to you, welcome to my world, but someone, somewhere, thinks it’s a
great way to run a war.
Once again, this was a battle
under the stars rather than under the sun, so 107,000 spectators were spared
the use of Coppertone, replacing it instead with DEET. The festivities
commenced with Ronan Tynan, a fine Irish tenor,
intoning a stirring rendition of God Bless America, followed by the Pledge of
Allegiance, led by Secretary of State Donald Rum Runner and yes my friends, he
did use the words, “Under God.” The Star Spangled Banner was weakly offered by
Kylie Dean, making me wish they had opted for the gentleman in uniform that
performed it so beautifully before the truck race on Thursday evening.
Throughout the patriotic celebration, offered in remembrance of the tragedy
that occurred on September 11, three years prior, the fans rocked the
grandstands with the now familiar chant, “USA…USA…USA.”
When it was time for our Knights
in shining sheet metal to march into battle, it was Friday Ryan leading the
charge and on his right flank was Mark the Munchkin. Before the green flag ever
waved, Hmiel on Wheels managed to drive smack into
the rear deck of Casey Merely, lifting the car right off the ground. When
questioned later about the incident, Hmiel said
simply, “Hey, it had a Target on it.” Once the march was
underway, the first lap went to Flyin’ Ryan but lap
two was led by Jeffy’s Mini-me. Mark the
Munchkin, always the strategic soldier, quietly settled back to a comfortable
position on the battlefield and waited for things to unfold.
It didn’t take long for them to
start unfolding, when on lap 8, Toad Bodine put Arnold the Green Acres pig into
the wall and retired to the lounge to collect his weekly stipend for starting
his engine. That brought out the first yellow of the evening, but only a few,
including the Big Brown Truck, took advantage of the break to grab a cold one.
The restart at lap 12 showed Mini-me still leading over Flyin’
Ryan, Munchkin, Sir Jeffrey of Childress, Jeremy Mayfail,
Flameboy and the Cheerios Bowl.
Only two laps later, Kirk Fillerdine gave Cow Patty a light tap, sending the toilet
paper car into doughnuts, which cost him a lap to the leaders. They got back to
circling at lap 18, and we watched as the Car with the Flames began mowing down
the competition one by one, finally assuming command of the battle at lap 38.
Flameboy then began lapping the slower soldiers at lap 45.
At lap 52, Sir Jeffrey of Childress
made a doughnut of his own, bringing out the third caution of the evening and
giving everyone a chance for a Bud break. Everyone, that is, but Mike Wall Ace,
who opted for position on the battlefield. Those who did come to the bar
ordered up varying amounts of tires with their beer, ranging anywhere from none
to four. The One LAP UP (One Lucky Arse PUP) was
awarded to the Zewo Hewo.
On the restart at lap 59, the
pylon showed Wall Ace leading Mayfail, Flyin’ Ryan and the Car with the Flames, with Little Hammy
Jr. in front of all of them in an attempt to get back into the battle. Things
remained quiet for a bit, as they continued to turn short circles on the tiny
battlefield, allowing us to watch a hard-fought battle for the lead between
Wall Ace and Mayfail. The former had it and the
latter wanted it, but couldn’t get the job done until lap 100. Now, this
reporter has at times been a bit critical of that #09 Finchmobile,
but it was certainly no field filler on Saturday night, thereby proving my
theory that ol’ James can build a good car when he wants to.
For all of his fighting to gain
the lead, Mayfail only kept it for 15 laps before the
Busch League Kid took it away from him. Wall Ace, having lost the lead, decided
that he really did want that Bud and some tires after all and stopped by the
bar for refreshments. It was at about this point that I noticed that Can’t Cope and Kirk Fillerdine has
retired to the lounge to keep Toad company. At the point, it was Busch League
leading Mayfail, Flyin’
Ryan, Matt the Brat and Mini-me and there were 25 combatants still on the lead
lap.
At lap 142, we saw NASCAR’s
equivalent of a competition caution when the yellow flag waved for debris on
the racetrack, even though Arnold the Green Acres pig wasn’t out there. Someone
said something about a screwdriver, but unless he was talking about the kind
you get at the bar, no one saw it. Everyone gratefully took advantage of the
flag to enjoy a little Miller Time and the One LAP UP went to Jamie McCutey, who had lost his lap just before the caution
waved.
They were back to turning circles
at lap 147 and 10 laps later the yellow was waving again, this time for some
mysterious substance that might be causing the competitors to slide dangerously
near the SAFER barriers. The janitors swept up the marbles, but hardly anyone
stopped for another beer so soon (After all, they were driving) and the One LAP
UP went to the Silver Bullet.
They marched back into battle at
lap 164, but at lap 170, David Greenhorn, a rare fighter in the Cup battles
these days, got rude with Long Gaughan, turning the
lad in front of several cars, all of which managed to hit each other. Wounded
in the fray were Gaughan, Scotch ‘n Soda Wimmer, Greg Baffled and Rickety Rudd, with others
incurring minimal flesh wounds. A few of the boys in the back room hit the bar
with the rolling wounded and the One LAP UP was awarded to Sir Jeffrey of
Childress.
They began to fight in earnest on
lap 175, with the Big Brown Truck taking aim on the Target car in an effort to
supplant Casey Merely for the One LAP UP position. Only four laps later, Jimmy
who never forgets entered into the same skirmish, hitting the Target and
turning the car in front of the oncoming cavalry. The big loser in all of that
was Jeffy’s Mini-me, whose mount was severely
damaged, not to mention being stuck in the mud.
The initial reaction of Field
Marshall Helton was to declare Sir Jimmy of McClure a Knight unfit for battle,
but upon further review, he softened his position, explaining that it was
entirely Casey’s fault for having a dang Target on his car to begin with. Most
of the gang opted to take that opportunity, caution number 7, to grab a cold
Coors Lite and some tires. The One LAP UP went to the lucky dog in the Big
Brown Truck.
They went back to turning circles
at lap 192, with Mayfail leading the Busch League
Kid, Flyin’ Ryan, the Blue Deuce and Mutt Kenseth.
That only lasted for three laps before the Zewo Hewo netted the wall and retired to spend the rest of the
evening in the lounge. Only a handful of the warriors came to the bar on the
eighth beer break, with most of those being the rolling wounded. The One LAP UP
that time went to Little Hammy Jr.
It was back to the war at lap
202, only to see the yellow rag wave again at lap 206, when the Bud Stud
smacked Hurrikahne, sending him around and ever so lightly into the inside
wall. Once again, only a few of the boys from the back room chose to grab refreshments
and the One LAP UP was awarded to Mike Wall Ace.
At long last, they managed to run
some laps at speed, starting with lap 212, and talk began to center around who
might be in the elite Army of Ten at the end of the day. Then, at about lap
265, a strange thing happened. Matt the Brat took the lead when Mayfail came to the bar for what turned out to be a green
flag Bud break. He was followed in a few laps by Mutt, who stopped to enjoy a
cold one but took a wrench back into battle with him, forcing Field Marshall
Helton to invite him back for another bottle of Bud. As the laps ran on, more
of the leaders chose to make a stop at the bar, but my friends, think back to
all of those yellow flags where they had a chance to stop and passed it up.
Playing for track position will sometimes come back to bite you.
Then, as invariably happens
during green flag breaks, the final yellow flag of the day flew when on lap
291, the Big Brown Truck ran over Jimmy who never forgets, sending him around
and wounding his mount. Adding insult to injury, the Field Marshall declared
that Jimmy had to come back to the bar a second time for passing soldiers while
the yellow flag was displayed. (That’s against the rules of the Convention)
Traffic in the bar was a bit
sketchy, as some had already been there while others were still thirsty. Texas
Terry was the last lucky recipient of the One LAP UP award. The restart order
looked a bit weird, owing to the green flag breaks, so at lap 300, the pylon
read, Busch League Kid, Mike Blister, the Bud Stud, Mayfail,
the Pfizer Riser and the Car with the Flames. That’s what it said on the pylon,
but on the battlefield, there was a host of warriors in front of those leaders,
having been placed at the dreaded “Tail end of the lead lap” by choosing to
forgo that last beer.
With only 100 short laps to go,
we settled in to watch a great battle at the front of the pack, with the lead
swapping hands several times between Busch League, Bud Stud and Mayfail. With all of the talk at the track about those
final ten warriors and their upcoming battles, I felt sorry for some of those
who would not receive promotions and would be essentially left out of future
combat. By lap 350, we began to hear that the Busch League Kid, then in the
lead, could not make it to the checkers without another beer and that others
might be in the same position.
With twenty laps to go, Mutt
brought the DeWalt Parts Cart to the bar for a quick
draft beer and a splash of Sunoco. When he stalled and couldn’t get off the bar
stool for some time, we knew that he’d run dry on both counts. At lap 392,
Busch League, as predicted, had to make a swing through the bar as well. When
the checkered flag fell, the final pylon showed Mayfail
the winner over the Bud Stud, the Car with the Flames, Mike Blister, Mark the
Munchkin, Prince Edwards of Roush, Mike Wall Ace, Greg Baffled, Jamie McCutey and the Blue Deuce.
Mayfail
treated the fans to at least a baker’s dozen of doughnuts before heading to
Victory Lane, where he exited the car to fall backwards into the waiting mosh
pit. His exact words were, “Can’t believe it!” He cheerfully thanked everyone
he’d ever met and shared hugs with everyone he could reach. On that day, with
all the chips on the line, Jeremy had not failed; he would be in that elite
Army of Ten.
Those earning the right to carry
their banners into the final war were, The Car with the Flames, Jeffy’s Mini-me, the Bud Stud, Stewpot, Mutt Kenseth, the
Candy Man, the Busch League Kid, the Pfizer Riser, Jeremy Mayfail
and Flyin’ Ryan.
Those qualifying only for the
“Close but no cigar” award are Jamie McCutey, Hurrikahne, Bobby the Bounty Hunter, the Big Brown Truck
and Kevin Havoc. It’s not going to seem the same without those soldiers near
the front in the upcoming battles, but the Convention rules state that they are
no longer eligible to quest for the Holy Grail. Who makes these rules anyway?
That’s exactly the way it was in
Richmond on Saturday night. Would I lie to you?
~LIB
Well,
Chase aside, comparing the decade-old race described in the article with the
one we suffered through this past weekend, one burning question comes
immediately to the fore. "What the Hell happened?"
It's
time now for our Classic Country Closeout, and today the songs are chosen for
no discernible reason other than that I like them. To get us started, here's
one from 1949, done by a guy that doesn't get nearly enough credit for his
talent or contributions to both the Pop and Country Music genres... Frankie Laine singing "Mule Train."
Next,
from the same singer, we have one of the most beautiful songs ever written, in
my humble opinion. Here is Frankie doing his smash hit of 1953, "I Believe."
And
finally, one from a very different singer, from a later time period... please
enjoy the always beautiful words and music written and sung by John Denver for
his wife, Annie, simply called, "Annie's Song."
Be well
gentle readers, and remember to keep smiling. It looks so good on you!
~ PattyKay