Speaking And Understanding The Language Of NASCAR
1/17/2014
PattyKay Lilley
Good day
gentle readers, and welcome to Race Fans Forever. In today's offering, I've
compiled for you a
list of some terms frequently encountered while watching a NASCAR race on TV or
listening to one on the radio or Internet. Quite often, new fans will become
confused or totally lost by some of the "inside" jargon tossed about
so freely by Moe, Curly and Larry or their counterparts. The remedy is simple.
Just memorize as many of these definitions as you can; print a copy and carry
it with you for future reference. It is guaranteed to heighten your enjoyment of
any race, as the cars continue to run in circles and the commentators drone on
endlessly.
Aero:
Indicator on a road course that tells Sprint Cup drivers which way to turn Aero
Push: When a car knocks down the indicator Air Dam:
Cussing at the wind Air
pressure: Gas pains Apron:
A large bib designed to come between Jamie McMurray's driver's suit and two all
beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, etc. Back
Marker: A Sharpie for autographing body parts Black
Flag: A must in your track bag for those buggy night races Balance:
What you lose when you get tight. (See definition below) Banking:
A foreign science to most NASCAR fans, but a favorite pastime of the France
Family and Bruton Smith Bite:
What you do to your $6.00 hot dog Bodine,
Brett: Driver of the car that leads the most laps at Bristol. (See Pace Car) Boogity:
Don't ask! You really don't want to know Bud
Shootout: Any on-track altercation with the #4 car Buck,
Richard: Newest NASCAR employee to wear the sign, The Buck Stops Here Busch
Clash: A physical confrontation between Kurt and Kyle Catch fence:
Supposedly there to keep cars out of the grandstand, but can't even contain hot
dog wrappers Caution:
(pronounced cow-shun) an undefined animal part, similar to a
"nugget" Chase: See next definition Chevy: An original on Saturday Night Live Chassis:
Complimentary term for a female body Conspiracy
theory: The reason your favorite driver didn't win Cooler:
What the track is at night COT: Where a crew member can catch a nap in the
hauler. Crew:
A 1950's haircut Crew
chief: The barber who gives you a crew Darby,
John: Leprechaun in charge of NASCAR shenanigans Dirty
Air: Often produced by flatulence Dodge: Attempt to miss the “Big One.” Down
force: What every driver claims to have happened when he goes below the yellow
line on a restrictor plate track Draft:
An $8.00 beer at the track Drafting:
What the bartender is doing after you order a draft Drag:
The preferred method of removing a crippled car from the track EIRI
Rule (Except In Rare Instances): NASCAR's
butt-cover for every rule they forgot to make at the beginning of the year Fabricator:
Storyteller Firewall:
Pit road after a gas spill Ford: One-time President of the United States France,
Brian: Rich kid with a new toy to break Front
Clip: Just trim the bangs Frozen
field: Acreage at the South Pole Fuel
Cell: Gasoline powered telephone Gen-6:
Name and age of the noisy brat 3 seats to your left Groove: What Stella lost HANS device: A thingamajig used
for transporting silver skates Happy
Hour: The one in which you finally make it from parking lot to highway
(usually about the fourth) Helton,
Mike: Movie stand-in for Saddam Hussein Infield:
Talladega’s answer to Mardi Gras Inner-liner:
The food you eat before you start drinking the $8.00 drafts “It is
what it is”: “Shut up! It’s my game and I get to make up the rules” Jack
Stands: What the Cat In The Hat does when he's not
sitting. Kitty
litter: Debris from the Cat car Laps:
How your pet drinks water Loose:
Most gals wearing beads in the Talladega infield Marbles:
What drivers lose after about three head injuries (Your results may vary) Neutral:
Neither Feminine nor Masculine Over
Steer: Similar to bull riding Pace
car: The one that leads the most laps at Bristol Pemberton,
Robin: Official Fabricator of NASCAR Pit
road: That area of the track with a speed limit 20 mph slower than the
road just outside the track Pole:
Anyone whose name ends in "ski" Pole-sitter:
Any of the above who never stands during a race Progressive
Banking: Increasing the amount in your
savings account Pushy-loose:
An assault on one of the gals wearing beads in the Talladega infield Quarter
Panel: One fourth of a jury Race
Trim: This usually takes the form of very expensive advertising on the
hood of the car Rear
Bumper Cover: Junior's Wranglers or Danica's thong Rear
Clip: Just take a little off the back Restrictor
Plate: The metal walls at Pocono that used to keep the cars out of the
woods. Road
Course: According to Jimmy Spencer, a great place to test bombs Roof
Flaps: Arguments atop any hauler SAFER
Barrier: A better condom Scoring
Loops: Similar to an NBA term, "Scoring Hoops" but different Scuffs:
Columns rerun by Tom Higgins Set-up:
What the bar at Whisky River always is Silly
Season: February through December Six-Time:
Temporary term denoting a Chad Knaus protégé Smith,
Bruton: Someone you’ll never see in the
same room with Boss Hogg Splitter:
the judge that f-i-n-a-l-l-y finalized the France
divorce Spoiler:
Either parent of any whining young driver Spotter:
A car leaking oil on the track Sprint: The way you get to the restroom after a few
$8.00 drafts. Sprint
Unlimited: A foot race with no speed restrictions Stagger:
What you do after three $8.00 drafts if you neglected your inner-liner Stickers:
Those pesky hot dog wrappers in grills Substance
Abuse: Doing doughnuts in the Daytona landscaping Tars: Four round rubber things
that make the car go faster. (Alternative for New Englanders: "tyahs") Telemetry:
Executive toys for grown boys Tight:
Almost ready to "stagger" Track
bar: The place where you buy the $8.00 drafts that make you tight Under
steer: Looking up at a bovine Valance:
A topper for curtains Wedge:
Fitting a 40" butt into an 18" seat in the grandstand Whine: An excellent choice with aged cheese Whining
driver: One who considers himself above the
beer scene Wind
Tunnel: Where flatulence originates Zero
Tolerance Policy: What Kurt Busch has been known to exhibit when confronted by
probing or baiting reporters Be well
gentle readers and remember to keep smiling. It looks so good on you.
~
PattyKay
[email protected]